i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I know her cup size but not her name....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
