she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
