She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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