I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
