Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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