I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
