Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.