You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
