whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
