I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
