I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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