but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
