sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
