We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
