I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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