he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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