I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
