Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
