just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
