I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize