I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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