420 ftw
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
