just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
