Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
