I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
