The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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