I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
