I faked an abortion last night.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
