My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
