WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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