"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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