Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
