clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
