So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
