My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
