I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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