me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
