I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
