I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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