i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't tell me you're on acid again
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
