Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
