well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
