I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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