Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
