last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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