In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
