pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
