I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
