Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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