Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
