God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
