So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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