part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
