i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
