Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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